Chapter 1


Dec. 29, 2012 5:07 PM

Hi everybody! How’s everybody doing? I’ve been so busy these past few days that I keep forgetting about updating my blog. I’m sorry. But guess what?? I have some juicy news for all of you to make up for my absence.

(Just to be sure, I’m pretty confident no one really knows who I am right? Well except for my two friends which I’m very sure they wouldn’t tell a soul and.. well I’m babbling already.  Just making sure, cause this is some serious stuff.. for me anyway. No one knows me personally right? I really really hope so..)

Going on with my story, I wouldn’t expect anyone to really be interested in me since it would be all about me well that’s the purpose of having a blog and yeah I’m babbling again cause I think I’m going crazy and yeah I just discovered something unbelievable about myself after all these years I finally solved who I am.

Well it is a juicy stuff cause it’s not everyday that you can read a blog about a man going out of the closet. Yep, you read that right, I finally found out that I’m… well gay. Maybe bi..? I don’t know still confused but still I like boys more than girls..? oh god, admitting it feels like I’ve let go of everything I ever worked hard for. I don’t know if I’m thrilled or scared to finally realize this fact. Thank God I have friends that wouldn’t judge me because of these. Love you guys, you know who you are.

Maybe you’re asking how I found out. Well it’s the fault of a Korean version of the greek god “whoever-that-has-the-most-perfect-body-and-face.” At first I thought it was just admiration-jealous feeling for having a nice muscularly sculpted body that I could never in a million years could have. You see, I’m the type that could grow muscles but my body remains skinny that they’re not noticeable even if I don’t have a shirt on already. But man, he has like a jacket over a sweater and you could still see how nice his bod is!

I found myself staring at him more than what would be allowed and I found that I’m just not admiring his features but also his good heart. And yeah, there I was falling deeper and deeper. He is my first love and unfortunately it is one-sided. I don’t even know if he’ll accept a boy-boy relationship. I mean he’s not judgmental but who in their right mind would like a boy like me? For goodness sake, I look like a.. a dork, nerd, geek whatever.

I’ve been harboring these feelings for about four months now. He’s all I ever think about these days. I wanna know more about him but I just can’t approach him with no excuse I would look like a dork. (See how limited my vocabulary is these days. And I was best in English for nothing after all)

Oh well. That’s it. If someone’s reading this entry please, I need some love, some hugs and cookies? Comments are loved, advices are hugs xoxo this is J’d HERO


DolphinNotes (Dec. 29, 2012 6:12 Pm)

nbsp;              Hero, wow, I’m so shocked, you surprised us. You didn’t even bother telling us in person, I hate you! But well, I share your pain man. I’m also in that kind of shit. Never approached my cush too, and to think that I’ve been liking this person for a very, very long time. You didn’t know that huh? Now we’re even hahahaha

             JJ’dHERO (Dec. 29, 2012 6:15 PM)

That. Is. so. Not. fair! You’ve known it since ages ago but I’ve just come to accept my fate you know?!! You’ve got to tell me all about it!

MI.totheC.K.Y (Dec. 29, 2012 6:45 PM)

What the hell is this shit? Is this real mehn? You mean all three of us are gays and are in a one-sided shit! Mehn, some friends we are, I tell yah! I’ll help you JJ’dHERO to get your man!

Yaaah! @DolphinNotes who the hell is he? You dare keep that secret from me?!


DolphinNotes (Dec. 29, 2012 6:56 PM)

             Look who’s talking! If I tell, will you tell yours? Of course you won’t you selfish ass!


MI.totheC.K.Y. (Dec. 29, 2012 6:58 PM)

                        …How’d you know? Peace out! Chill dude

             JJ’dHERo (Dec. 29, 2012 6:57 PM)

              You’ll help me?? Really? Thank you! I love you soulmate, mwuuaaah!


Mi.totheC.K.Y (Dec. 29, 2012 7:00 PM)

Eww, save that kiss for your ‘greek god’ though I’m sure I look waaay better than he does.

U.Know.I.Know (Dec. 31, 2012 5:33 PM)

Hi! I stumbled upon this blog long ago, been reading about your stuff and then you’ve been gone for so long. I thought you’ve left this forever and I regretted so much for not even giving one comment before. Sorry about that. I enjoyed reading your blog and it never failed to make me happy, that is why I was overly ecstatic to have seen you update about your life.

I bet you’ve found it hard to admit it huh? I did too, just a few months ago, I too, discovered that I was a bi. I still do like girls but boys just calls out to me too. Unlike you, I’m afraid to tell the people around me cause they all think that I’m so great and manly. But I had too cause I hate lying to people I love. I told my parents and they were so disappointed for what I’ve become, my mother is being okay with it now but my father is still angry. My bestfriend who I’ve thought would understand me, stayed away from me for a while, but thank goodness for the time we’ve spent together, he has become open-minded for me. It wasn’t easy for me and I hope that you wouldn’t have to experience that.

Btw, happy new year J

              JJ’dHERO (Jan. 1, 2013 4:30 AM)

Hey! Thank you for reading my blog, I appreciate it so much. And also for telling me about your story, thank you. Well, as they say, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ so I hope that the experience you had made you stronger inside. It’s unfortunate that you’ve gone through that but it only made things better now right?

As for me, I don’t know if I could tell my parents, it will be really hard since I’m their only son and for them having 8 other daughters, they’re expecting me to bring the family name on. How about I just knocked some girl out then get our baby then tell them? Haha, that would be hilarious, I could just picture their faces.

Btw, have a happy new start ahead of you. Don’t be like me, starting my year being drunk, having a major hangover later, ugh, don’t. So totally not worth it, if only I don’t love my two sorry excuses for best friends I would have been in a better state now. Haha. Hope to see more of your comments later J

Chapter 2


JAE'S POV  (3 years after)

Three years have already passed since my parents’ separation. Now, my dad and I have moved on and have forgotten about the pain. We decided that it’s time to go back to Korea where I could continue with my studies. 

My mom picked us up at the airport and she’s with Jaerin, my half sister. This is the first time I’m seeing her and at first I don’t know what to feel. Should I feel aloof or should I be a good older brother for her?

She is such a beautiful girl, we have the same eyes, mouth and skin and I couldn’t help but fall in love with the little squirt. She’s hiding behind my mom’s legs and her face is flushing when my dad approached her.

“Rin- ah, say hello to your uncle and your oppa.”

“Hello uncle.” Oh, her voice is so cute, like gentle breeze.

“Hello Rin-rin, my Min-ah, don’t you think that she’s like the girl version of Jae?”

“Exactly what I thought when I first saw her.” She said excitedly.

Jaerin approached me and held my hand, “Are you my oppa?”

I sat till I am the same height as her, I touched her cheek and hair, “Yes baby. I am Joongie-oppa. You are so pretty.”

She then smiled and it was like the prettiest thing. “But Joongie-oppa, you are the prettiest person I’ve ever seen, Umma, I wanna marry oppa when I grow up he’s like Prince charming!”

She touched my face with her little fingers, then she hugged my neck and said, “Up.”

“Oh, Jaerin-ah you’ve fallen for your oppa huh? Don’t cling too much on him, he might have trouble breathing. Come now.”

Mom brought us to our new apartment and left us to settle down. After a few hours, our luggages have been put in their place, things into their order and clothes on the cabinets. I started to get ready to go out since I have to enroll to a new university.

Since my grades are above average I decided to try my luck at the Seoul University. The office asked me to take entrance tests and to have an interview with the professor. They asked me to wait for the results and while waiting I entered a café.

“Welcome to Max café!” a familiar, squeaky voice greeted me once I sat down at a stool.

“Junsu, it’s me Jae!” Junsu is my best friend along with Yoochun. They are both my childhood friends and we share our deepest secrets with each other. We communicate often (by often I mean, late night phone calls ever single day.) when I spent years in Japan.

“Jae? Oh my God you’ve changed, you really did the dare! You look so… feminine and cold. Haha.” While in Japan we played with each other on the computer and once, we had a bet that whoever loses will dye their hair blond, and as you can see—read—the loser is none other than me.

“’f’course I did! And you, you’re still our dolphin, duck-butt!”

“Yah! Stop calli-“

“Is that Jae I hear? Dude! I missed you! And hell yeah you look good” Yoochun hugged me so tight it was crushing my airway.

Among my two best friends, Yoochun is my soul mate, he literally is like my other half but not in the romantic way. He understands me without me even saying a thing. It’s like we would just look at each other and we know what the other is feeling.

If Yoochun is like my twin, Junsu is our dongsaeng. We (Yoochun and I) protects and cares for Junsu  like our brother, well before it was like that, but now, I’m the only one who sees Junsu as a brother. Yoochun kind of developed deeper feelings for him. He still didn’t confess to Junsu thinking that it will destroy our friendship.

I told them about me enrolling in the same university they were in and after that we just talked nonsense things.

“Why is that there is no person at the cashier?! Yoochun! Junsu!” a man younger than us by a year appeared at the doorway.

“Sorry Min, we were so caught up talking with our friend here who just came back from Japan. Oh here, let me introduce the two of you. Jaejoong, this is Shim Changmin the owner of this café, our classmate and our friend. Changmin this is Kim Jaejoong, I told you a lot of things about him Min.”

I could just laugh at the way he was looking at me, like I’m some kind of delicious treat with his drooling mouth. I snapped my fingers at his face twice since he looked like he was in a trance.

“God, am I that delectable? Sorry hon, I’m not interested in you.”

“Wha—what? As if I like you?!”

“Not in that sense maybe, but still you like looking at me.” I turned my back from him before he could say anything and face my friends who were laughing so hard.

“Guys I gotta go and get the results from the office, see you tomorrow”

“Oh God Jae, how much I missed you! Bye” said Yoochun still clutching his stomach and laughing as hard as a monkey.

And as expected, I got in the University with full scholarship having almost perfected the entrance exam. I went home after shopping for food and cooked for our supper. Since we were in Japan I’ve been the one who does housework for the two of us, I learned cooking and doing other feminine jobs like sewing and baking.

My dad came home late that night because he was still fixing his papers for the transfer he made from Japan to Korea. I told him about my acceptance to the University and the scholarship they gave me.

“Jae, I’m so proud of you. You should really thank my genes for your intelligence!”

I just rolled my eyes as response and served him the food.

“Oh by the way dad, I just met Junsu and Yoochun earlier today and they were also studying at the same university.”

“That’s good to hear, you won’t be a loner when you go to school tomorrow.”

“Since when have I become a loner dad? People flock around me you know!” I said jokingly.

“Yeah they do, but they are not the ones who you call real friends, they just like you because of superficial things. Like how you look. So Jae, be careful on the people you meet. You are now at the age where most people fall in love. I want you to feel love that is true and for you not to get hurt.”

“I know, I know. Don’t worry I can take care of myself. Besides there’s Yoochun and Junsu to protect me. you know how protective they could get.”

“Haha, yeah, I pity the kid that hit on you back then. Haha, Yoochun and Junsu interviewed him like a father interviews a man who would want to marry his daughter!”

“You know about that? Then you must know about my…?”

“Yes Jae, I know you’re gay, you can’t hide anything from your old man.”

“Then you must have told me since the day you found out! You were so cool about it and here I was worrying on how to tell you someday!” I punched his arm to show him how worried I truly was because of that issue.




I heard my alarm clock ringing and I lazily turned it off and scratched my eye with the back of my hand. Sitting on my bed I observed my surroundings. I thought about the dream I just had. It sure made me remember the miserable situation I am in now.  'Ugh, my head.'

Want to know what happened with my life? You will be amazed with how my life turned 180 degrees in the last two week. Two miserable weeks of my life. 

Just like any typical family nowadays, my parents separated. And the thing is, I never saw it coming. Mornings were spent eating together at the breakfast table. Being the only child I found it ordinary that both my father and mother threw questions, conversations, and their focus on just me. When I got home, my mother served dinner and my father ate it when he went home early. It was just.. so.. ordinary. I never saw any of them shed any tears except for the time when they finally told me about the separation.


"Jae, honey, please sit down. Your father and I need to talk with you." I just arrived from school and was greeted by my mother with her swollen eyes and painful smile. I looked around the room and saw my dad solemnly sitting  on the living room's s couch holding some papers.

"O--kay, so what is it about? Why are you crying mom?"

"Jae, your father and I.. (she started sobbing) .. we are separating." I could tell that she couldn't look me in the eyes afraid of what she might see. And she is right to be afraid. I may have a cold, poker face like my dad's but my eyes, just like her's, are expressive. And right now, I'm confused, hurt, scared, and just.. just confused.

"Separating? Like.. Like a divorce?! Why?"

"Jae, it's just not working anymore, we both fell out of love and well.." this time it was dad who said that. he heaved out a heavy and deep sigh.

"I-- I can't think. Hold on." And I really can not process anything. My brain seemed dead. I breath in and out trying to relax myself and force my brain to work. After what seemed like an hour..

"So, you are divorcing, because you don't love each other anymore." I stated in a very calm voice. 

They seem shocked that I'm taking this in such a calm manner. I am too, I must have something wrong in me. A typical 16 year old teenager that just got his news would have cried and would feel anger towards everything. But well I guessed I'm not the typical teenager.

"Tell me the real reason. I know that's not it. You’re still keeping something from me. You are already hurting me, lies would make it worse. And yes dad, that involves emission of what really happened."

My dad, despite the situation, chuckled, "You are too bright for your own good, you really are my son. But some things are better left unsaid to lessen the pain."

"I want the truth. I want to understand what went wrong so that I couldn't, wouldn't do that when I get married. I'm old enough to understand, and I deserved it from you guys."

And to my surprise, my mom sobbed harder than before. She knelt in front of me, took my hands in hers and looked me with guilty eyes. What she said next totally blew me out of everything,

"I'm sorry Jae, it's my fault. Please forgive me. I love somebody else and-- and I'm.."

My dad started crying then, and I realized just how much pain he is now and how much he still loved my mother.

"And what?" I voiced in a very cold tone.

"I'm pregnant with his child."

"Oh my God. Why couldn't you have used protection? You're already cheating behind dad the least you could do is-"

"Jae stop! What happened has happened. We can no longer do anything about it but to move on from it." Dad said while he was crying so hard. It's the first time I've seen dad crying and it broke my heart to pieces. 

Without anyone telling me, I'm now sure of what happened. My mom cheated on dad. My dad upon knowing the situation begged mom to stay with him, telling her that he will take the child as his own. But mom wouldn't take his deal because mainly of her great guilt with dad and also because her man asked her to not leave her anymore.

"What hurts me the most is that you can leave in this situation gaining something, mom. While dad and I are on the losing end. You are gaining a family, a new one at that. One who could comfort you and make you happy. While we are hurting." And that is when I started crying.

I run to my room and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, I could sense that I was not alone. Dad was waiting for me to wake up.

"How long did you wait?"

Ignoring my question he went on with what he wanted to say in the first place. "Listen Jae. I know how much you hurt right now, but try.. please try to not hate your mother for what happened. This is the reason why I don't want to tell you the truth before. But you are right, you deserve it because we are breaking the family you should have while growing up. Yes she was wrong, and yes maybe she'll walk out of this gaining something. But still she's also hurting and she will forever carry this guilt with her throughout her life. Isn't that enough?"

"... I know. But how could you be so forgiving? How could yo-"

"Love Jae, love. Because I love her that is why I understand."

Love, of course that is the reason my father would give me. He is such a romanticist. I hope that I could grow like my dad, so loving, so kind and gentle.

"Talk to her okay." I nodded and willed myself to keep an open mind and a forgiving heart. My dad left the room and called my mom in.

My mother entered, and she was still a crying mess. Her eyes were so swollen you could barely see the blacks of her eyes

"Jae, Jae, please forgive me, I love you Jae, please, please.."

"Hush now mom, don't cry, it would be bad for the baby if you keep crying, he or she might come out ugly." I joked in a comforting tone. My mother tried to stop crying but every now and then tears would just come out.

"Jae, I know how much your dad loves me, and it pains me to the core on what I did. You don't know how much pain I am suffering because I betrayed such love. But I will tell you something, something I know you would understand because you are old enough. No matter what, I know what I did was wrong but I will justify my actions nevertheless. ”

“Okay, I will try to see it from your perspective.” I lifted my hand and removed the tears from her face to let her know that I am on the process of forgiving her and that I’m no longer angry.

“The reason why I chose to still do such thing is because of love.”

Of course, what else? *I unconsciously blew air from my mouth that lifted my bangs off my face for a short while.**//habit

“The man to whom I betrayed your dad was my first real love. I wouldn’t tell you all the details and what he did to touch my heart but I fell for him. And I fell hard, really hard. But because I came from an average family and him from a powerful and rich one, his parents didn’t approve of us. He was arranged then to marry a rich woman. Everything happened so fast there wasn’t even time for us to fight for our love. But we both know how much we love each other and that was enough for us to move on. And I did, years after I found your dad. Don’t misunderstand, I did love your dad, but not as deeply, not as passionately. Then we had you. And you are everything I could ask for, the love I can’t fully give to your dad, I give to you. I love you with everything I have.”

She paused because she was starting to cry harder again. I hugged her and played with her hair. I waited patiently for her to continue talking.

“I heard news from friends about my first love’s situation, that he also had a child with his wife. It pained me a little but I knew I could do nothing about it because we both had our own lives to live. Just three months before now, I met him again in a restaurant and found out that his wife died. And things,.. well things happened. I realized once again how much I love this man, how much I’m willing to give up for him. I found out that I was pregnant and I can’t go on lying to your dad so I told him.”

“Then you’re giving me up for him?” I asked her as the pain inside my heart transformed into handfuls of tears.

“No Jae, you are not one of the things I couldn’t lose ever, even if I have to give him up.”

“But you have to know that I will stay with dad, I can’t leave dad alone. And you.. well you have to start your new life with them.”

“But I won’t lose you right? I mean, we can still meet up and hang. I can still call you and care for you?”

“Of course mom, I would like that too”


And now here we are, in our new apartment in a new country. Dad and I figured that to totally forgive and forget everything, a change of situation is good for us. We moved to Japan, thanks to dad’s promotion on the company he’s working. We are currently doing well, my mom is now staying at the man’s house. We keep constant communication with each other and it seems that dad and mom are becoming friends now. Everything is starting to look good again.


Title : Back to you
Author : l
Pairing : Yunjae
Genre : Angst, Drama, Romance, Fluff



My life is everything that one could wish for but something I am more than willing to exchange for a whole different life. Even a harder one, just, just please fill this empty space in me, in my heart, cause it hurts so much. Nothing could make it feel better except to bring back the time when you were mine.


I'm so stupid. I lost everything because of one silly mistake. I know it is my fault, entirely mine, no one else to blame but me. I've hurt him so deeply, destroyed the trust he doubted giving me at first. Three years of friendship and six years of love and passion. All gone. If only I could turn back time. 


Time is ever changing yet unchangeable. It is one of the many things that couldn't be changed once it already happened. Just like words, once said, you couldn't take them back, but.. but you could definitely make up for it. 


Title : Heart
Author : 
Pairing : Yunjae
Genre : Drama, Romance, Fluff
Length : Oneshot

"Oh God, please save my son!" Doctor please! I beg you! My son, my son, he is too young to die, please, please" 

A middle age woman is begging to the doctors and nurses entering the emergency room, where his 21 year old son was currently fighting for his life. A man, must be the woman's husband, is comforting the woman who's hysterically crying and sitting on the cold hospital floors. You could see that the man was also distraught by the current situation but he is still acting strong for his wife to lean on for support. 

"Please stop crying, Jaejoong-ah is strong. We raised him to be strong. He is a fighter, believe that he could go through this. Have faith. Please. Be strong so that when he wakes up you can have strength to take care of him more."

Their son was born with a very frail heart. During the woman's pregnancy with him, she suffered from a very strong flu that was around that time. Because of this, the child inside him was also affected. When he was born, the parents were overjoyed to see a very beautiful but pale infant.

He grew to be a very sickly but cheerful and obedient child. He was deprived from all things that a normal child could do. He couldn't run, play with other kids or even stay up late at night. He was forced to be home-schooled and because of this he didn't have any friends. Nevertheless, he was very thankful to be alive and to have such loving parents that tried to fulfill everything he was deprived off with their love.

And so it came to this point. His heart could no longer function well after doing such simple things that couldn't even be considered tiring. For a week he was kept in the hospital and just hours before, his heart is giving up on him and was now sent inside the operating room.

Before, years before, his parents are already considering having him undergo a heart transplant. But because of two major reasons they couldn't go through with it. The first reason is that not many people are willing to give their heart or the heart of relatives that died, and if there ever was, there was a long list of patients that also needs the transplant. The second reason is that there is great chance for Jaejoong to die during the transplant and for the operation to fail.

The parents just couldn't risk it. But now, having no choice in it, they finally decided to take this huge risk that could lose their child forever.


"Yunho-ah, congratulations! Today is the fateful day my friend! You are now getting married! I am happy for you!"

"Thanks Chun-ah, Finally, I could have the love of my life with me now. But I'm very, very nervous."

"Chill man, today you are going to be the luckiest man."

A man entered a room. "Yunho, my son, you will have your own family now, I wish you all the best."

"Thanks dad. Anyway, where are they now?"

"She is on the way. You better go to the altar now, and wait for her there."

And so the groom took his place near the altar and patiently waited for his bride to come.

10 minutes passed, then it became 30 minutes then 45 minutes.

The guests are now growing restless and they are beginning to worry. Yunho kept glancing at his wristwatch then to the church door. 'Where are you honey? Please come now, don't make me worry so much'

45 minutes then turned to 1 hour, then to 1 hour and 30 minutes. Then finally there came a news. Yoochun tried calling again and again at the bride's phone and finally someone picked up.

"Hello? Seulgi- ah?"

"Hello? Are you a friend of the owner of this phone?" A man's voice was heard.

"Yes, I am. May I know who this is and where Seulgi might be?"

"Yes, this is nurse Kim Junsu of Seoul Hospital, could you please come quickly. Miss Seulgi is currently in the operating room."

"WHAT? WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?" Upon hearing his panicked voice, Yunho knew that there was something wrong. His heartbeat began to quicken at a very very fast rate. He grabbed the phone from Yoochun.

"What happened? Please tell me, I am her fiance" he asked in a surprisingly calm, whisper-y voice.

"Miss Seulgi had a car crush. It's impact is so strong that she stopped breathing for a few minutes. She is still alive, barely breathing.. for now. We are currently doing our best to save her, please come immediately. I am sorry to tell you this but there is a great chance of losing her.

"Oh God no." Yunho lost his spirit and dropped the phone. He cried silently for a while then gathered himself together. By now everyone knew what happened, thanks to Yoochun's organized mind at the moment.

He led Yunho, Yunho's parents and Seulgi's parents inside the van and sped off to the hospital. Upon arriving, Kim Junsu explained fully well what is happening.

"Due to the accident, the patient lost a lot of blood, and some entered her lungs. Most of her organs stopped functioning due to the few minutes she stopped breathing. I'm sorry to say but it is not really possible to save her, we kept her heart beating all this while but it is not enough."

Everyone is devastated to hear this news. Yunho felt everything slipped away, he couldn't think, can't even cry, he was just.. lifeless. Just then, nurses are pushing a bed to the operating room next to Seulgi's. 

"Oh God, please save my son!" Doctor please! I beg you! My son, my son, he is too young to die, please, please" 

Yunho and the other's looked at the scene in front of them. A woman crying on the hospital floor and a man comforting the woman.

Jusu then spoke, "Mr. and Mrs. Bae, we found out that Miss Suelgi signed a donation form saying that if ever she died, she is willing to give her body parts, organs to a patient who was needing it. Though she signed it, we would like you to know if you agree with this. It would mean so much to both Seulgi and the patient who needs a heart transplant if you agree."

'Oh yes, that is my Seulgi alright, a very selfless and generous person, why would God take such a wonderful person? Why?' Yunho asked silently.

Mrs. Bae approached the women and asked about the patient's condition. After knowing enough that the patient is fighting for his life, Mrs. Bae said, "Kim Junsu-ssi, I agree to give my daughter's heart to this woman's child. My child unfortunately couldn't survive what happened to her but there is a chance that a life would live because of this misfortune." She sobbed for the lose of her wonderful child but knew that she fulfilled Seulg's last wish.

"Oh thank you, thank you so much, we will be forever in debt with you for saving my son. Please tell us what we could do to repay such kindness. Please we would do anything, tell us." the woman thanked Mrs. Bae.

"i would think about it Mrs..?"

"Mrs. Kim, Thank you so much, please contact us anytime."


The operation had been a success. Kim Jaejoong woke up with his parents smiling over him, and he is, for the first time in his life feeling light and great despite the stinging pain in his chest.

"Mom, dad. I-I'm alive?"

"Yes dear, a very nice person offered to give her daughter's heart for you. You will meet her later."

"Oh, thank God." Jaejoong began crying out of joy and gratefulness. His parents hugged him tightly.

"Starting now, Jae-ah you could live normally. You could enter university, make some friends, have sleepovers and maybe even have a girlfriend." His father joked to lift the mood up. "But still, Jae, you could not run and do tiring sports."

"It's okay, as long as I'm alive, as long as I have you guys, I'm alright." he smiled.

Oh, how his parents missed seeing him smile like this, so innocently, so pure, full of life, happiness and positive things. They thought for a second what they would do if ever they lost their child, no longer could they see him smiling like this. They quickly pushed this thought aside, shuddering at the very thought, They fully understand how Mrs. Bae felt when she lost her daughter.


Mrs. Bae approached Mrs. Kim who was waiting patiently for the doctor to deliver the news regarding the result of the operation. She offered her a cup of coffee and sat next to her.

"You know, I lost a child and you gained your son back. And you told me that you would do anything to repay me right? (at this Mrs' Kim nodded and said "anything.") I will not ask for much. Just that.. (she sobbed) Just that, share your son with me. Through him I could pass the love I have for my daughter to him. This could help me a lot in grieving for my lost child."

"You mean like, second parents? Yes of course I would do that, you are a very nice person and I'm sure that Jaejoong would like you very much. It would be very good for Jaejoong to spend time with new people. That boy, since he was young, he was very sickly, because of that he couldn't socialize with other kids. He grew up with just me and my husband."

Through this conversation, it became the start for the friendship of the Bae and the Kims. Mrs. Kim told a lot of stories and facts to Mrs. Bae about Jaejoong. Mrs. Bae, hearing these stories grew to like Jaejoong and was ver excited to meet him.


"Yun-ah, you got to stop drinking and wasting your life like this."

"Ha ha, that was very funny Chun- ah, how.. how could I waste my life if 'my life' is already dead?" he cried and laughed at the same time.

"You know, you may feel like it's the end for you now, but it's not. You will move on, find someone else to love, maybe not as much as you loved Seulgi but still.. There will come a time when all these happenings were nothing but memories of the past, you will then realize that life still went on. You would  smile at these memories that made you stronger. So, don't give up. Trust me, I know"

Yunho looked at his friend and saw that sincerity and truthfulness of his words.

"Still haven't forgotten him Chun? Does it still hurt?" He remembered the past when Yoochun was in this same situation where he also lost his childhood friend and lover.

"Of course I still remember him hyung! I would never forget him, he is a part of me, forever and always. But, it no longer hurts as much. These days, when I come to think of him I find myself smiling instead of crying. So, Yun don't think of it as the end, be strong, I will be here for you."

And Yunho finally opened his mind again. 'Yes, Yoochun is right. Seulgi would forever be an important person for me but I should move on now. Goodbye baby, we'll see each other when time comes. Please watch over us, wherever you are. I love you.' Yunho shed his last tear for Seulgi, and smiled for the hope of a good future.


"Jae dear, this is Mrs. Bae, the mother of your donor."

"It's nice to meet you Mrs. Bae, thank you for your family for giving me a second life."

"Jaejoong-ah, you are very welcome. If I may ask you a favor please just treat me as your second mother"

Mrs. Kim explained to Jaejoong beforehand what she and Mrs. Bae agreed upon. And Jaejoong understood. He treated the Bae as his second family and was very glad to meet such wonderful people.

Time passed quickly and Jae was allowed to go home now. Every now and then he spent time and slept with the Bae's. The Bae's indeed treated him as their own and spoiled him as much as his real parents did. Jae continued to be a very warm, loving, strong and happy child. He entered University and made some friends that were also good natured. Everything seemed so perfect but never will he thought that everything would even be perfect after a year passed by.


It was Suelgi's first death anniversary and Jaejoong's second life's birthday and they decided to celebrate it at the Bae's mansion. Though it was supposed to be a somewhat sorrowful event in contrary the people celebrated Jae's birthday more. They said that it is not good to dwell too much on sad thoughts.

When suddenly, Yunho came, carrying a bundle of flowers. He thought that the celebration is to reminisce the life and death of Seulgi. He was shocked to find people celebrating for a whole different reason. After talking with the Bae's (whom he maintained contact with) he excused himself to have some fresh air.

He went to the garden and saw a young man kneeling again and again as if giving respect. At the final kneel, the man spoke, "Miss Bae Seulgi, thank you for giving me this life. Thank you for another chance to live. You have given me so much not only this heart that beats inside my chest but also for your loving parents who have treated me as their own. Having such parents I would never think bad of you. They must have raised you so well so kind and generous... I promise with this heart of yours that I would live in a way you could be proud of. I would take care of your parents as if they are my own, so please do not worry and rest in peace. Thank you" 

He stood up and cleared the tears from his face. He turned around and saw Yunho.

"So you are the patient who had Seulgi's heart?"

"Yes, I am. I'm Kim Jaejoong, and you are?"

"I'm Jung Yunho. I was her fiance."

"Oh, I'm sorry that you lost her."

They continued conversing and found ease and comfort with each other. Mrs. Bae saw this and was very happy to see the two young men she considers to be her own children getting along well. She hoped and prayed that these two would end up together. 'Seulgi's heart would then stay with Yunho... No. How could I think of that? it's no longer Seulgi's heart, it's now Jaejoong's I must wish for his happiness.'

"Jae, is it okay if I call you that?"

"Yes, Then can I call you Yun?"

"Of course"

And that was the start of their friendship. Yunho visited the Bae's often now, mostly on days when Jae's staying with them. He found himself attached to the boy more and more, and even wondered if he was feeling love again. He was so lost in thought that Jae asked if he was alright.

"Of course. So, Jae, I was thinking if you'd like to have dinner with me tomorrow?"

Jaejoong froze at his spot, after awhile he replied, ".. I don't think that is a good idea, Yunho."

"Why not? This could mean something new for us. Something different and I want us to try."

"Which is why I said no."

"I don't understand?"

"..Tell me Yunho, do you like me?"

"I think I do."

"Why do you like me?"

"I just feel that I've known you forever, I feel quite attached with you and I don't wanna lose you."

"Yunho, I think you misunderstood your feelings. I think that it is not me that you love but Seulgi. You just remember her through me, because I have her heart and because I have some of her traits. I think you are confused."

Yunho paused and thought for awhile. Now that Jae pointed those things out, he was now REALLY confused.

"Yunho, you have to go for now, think about what I've said and if... and if you really love me not Seulgi then ask me that question again."

After Yunho left, Jae sighed heavily and cried. Yes he had fallen so deeply in love with Yunho but he was very scared to admit his feelings because Yunho might not reciprocate his love. But now that he knew Yunho's feelings he presented the problems bothering him, himself instead of just taking the man. 'I am such an idiot. If i just shut up and didn't say those things then we might now be hugging each other. But no, I have to make sure that I am the one he loves and not the memory of his ex.'


Yunho thought and thought, over and over he looked through his thoughts. And finally he was now sure. Because he couldn't wait any longer he went to the university where Jae was and searched for him.


It was another day without seeing Yunho. Jaejoong stared out from the window of his classroom. Yes it's been 2 weeks since he last saw the man, he was sure that Yunho realized that what he was feeling was still love for Seulgi. He left me now, 'Oh God, Jaejoong get over him, he was not yours, never yours. He was Seulgi's. Stop being sad over it, you have to be thankful still and respect Seulgi for your life.'

But then he found himself daydreaming about Yunho and him ending up together, they were about to kiss in his imagination when suddenly the door opened and revealed the man of his dreams.

"Kim Jaejoong? Is Kim Jaejoong here?

"Yun-ah?? What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry to barge in like that Sir (professor) but I just realized something and I really can't wait. (walking towards Jae, when he reached him, Yunho held Jae's cheek) Jae, I'm in love with you. With Kim Jaejoong and not Seulgi."

Jaejoong cried out of happiness and said, "I love you too Jung Yunho. This heart is meant to beat for only one person no matter who owns it. But I know this love is my love and not Seulgi's. I love you"

Yunho kneeled in front of him and pulled out a box with a ring inside. "Jae I know this is way too fast, but I just can't lose you anymore, I just want you to be with me forever. Will you marry me?"

"Yes, Yunho, yes" He hugged the man as he slipped the ring on Jae's finger. "Thank you Jae. I promise to protect you."

Jae's classmates and profesors clapped at the display of true love in front of their eyes. Changmin a friend of Jae shouted, "Oh God, just kiss already stop making us wait for it!"

They laughed and kissed each other.

"I love you boo."

"I love you more."




Title : Mails-Calls-Meet Ups
Author : 
Pairing : Yunjae
Genre : Fluff
Length : Oneshot

So cold, it is so chilly, the wind keeps blowing on my open window. Despite that, i insist on keeping it open. Just like this weather, I feel cold inside. Weathers like this can't stop me from thinking that i would like it very much to feel warm, to have someone's warmth enclosing me. I feel giddy thinking about these things. 

What does it feel like? To have a lover? Love, they say, brings joy a thousand times stronger than anything else, but, it also cuts. They say, it cuts so deep that you can't ever forget the pain, but only ease it up. I keep thinking that if it hurts that much, why would people want to fall in love again and again, risking themselves to experience this kind of pain? They would say, "Someday, Jaejoong, you would know why.why you would crave for it again and again, despite the pain."

Maybe it is time to find the answer why. Maybe I have to find love and experience this inexplicable thing. But how? clubbing? Yoochun always gets his partners from there. But somehow, I wouldn't want to find my special one in that kind of place. Yoochun's relationship doesn't exactly involve love or any kinds of feelings. "No-strings-attached" he says. Those kinds of relationships-- flings, one night stands are, for me, are kinda hateful. I guess I have to seek help. Pulling out my cellphone from my pocket, i dialed my other best friend's number.

"Yoboseyo? Jae hyung ah?"

"Junsu-ah, help me?

"Why hyung? what is the matter? Are you alright? Hurt somewhere? Hyung! how many times do we have to remind you that you should be extra careful, a clumsy person like you with two left feet is bound to encounter accidents. That is why--"

"Yah! Stop that! It's no longer funny, and I'm not hurt, I'm perfectly fine. What I want to ask help is for a different matter.... Help me find love Junsu."



"No. I won't. Not yet, you are yet too fragile for it. It will break you if it ended badly."

"I'm not Su. Sure, I just lost my dad, but don't you get it? That is the reason why I have to have someone. I am getting over the pain, but I need help."

"You have me, you have us, why do you need more? Haven't we helped enough hyung?" At this point, I know that Junsu is tearing up. Aish, this is not what I expected when I started this phonecall.

"Su, you know I appreciate your help and Yoochun's, I wouldn't ant any other people to be my friends, you two are perfect. But I have to have someone I can call my other half, a person that could complete this empty space in me, please Su."

"Always the romantic one aren't you? Fine I could suggest a way for you to find your "other half." Remember Yonghwa? My first boyfriend? i found him in a chat site, I'll give you that link. Jae, I'm helping you but still, I don't think this is a nice idea."

"Thanks Su. But I think it is time. Anyway, if this won't work out, I know I have you and Chun to turn too. Thanks."

After a while, the link came and i started exploring the site. It is an online dating site, and before entering, it requires answers for questions such as: preference in sex (which i checked male *gay here), ideal type (i chose manly over cute, nerdy and other types), hobbies (singing, writing, reading, and photography) and many other questions.

Finally, i was through. I then have to choose a chat room. Posted something saying "I'm Hero (not stupid enough to give my real name, Duh!) I would like to chat with someone who could be my friend" Not even a second after, multiple chat boxes popped out. I dismissed some because of their perverted messages and kept chatting with the "okay" guys. Most of them turned out badly but there is one who caught my attention the most. We clicked so well, sharing almost the same views and argued on some but still.. This is the one.

MAX-to the-MAX: so.. could i save you as a friend? :)
Hero: thought you would never ask :P
MAX-to the-MAX: :D yah, i was shy you know? it's my first time here.
Hero: no kidding? it's my first too.

We chatted for a very long time, stopping only because of the alarm clock.

MAX-to the-MAX: oh gosh, could you believed that we chatted the night away? my alarm clock just rang. i gotta go soon, school and stuff.
Hero: yeah, me too. i think i have to drink a gallon of coffee or else i'll doze off.
MAX-to the-MAX: hey, uhm, if it's alright with you, could i get your cellphone number?

This time, it didn’t felt right. I have this bothering feeling inside me, that something is not right. But because I couldn’t exactly pinpoint what it is, I dismissed the feeling at the back of my mind. So I said “Sure” and gave him my number.

I got ready and prepared coming to the university. Junsu and Yoochun met me at the hallway as always. They asked about the chat thing and I told them about MAX-to the-MAX.

“You mean you didn’t ask for his real name?” Junsu asked.

“Should I have? I mean I wouldn’t be comfortable if he for mine.” Junsu shrugged at the question.

“Hold up! He asked for your cellphone number?” this time it was Chun who asked.

“.. Yeah. Why?”

“Don’t you think it was too fast? I mean it’s like sharing a kiss on the first date.”

Junsu rolled his eyes, “For a  guy who had sexed a lot of people after an hour of meeting, you sure are a conservative one.”

“Yah! But it’s Jae we are talking about here. Jae, the innocent pure and stupid kid.” That was too much! I kicked Chun and slapped his face. After that, pretending that I was still angry, I left them at the corridor and rushed inside the classroom. But before I could enter, someone walked out of the room and bumped my left shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” Not giving a chance for me to reply, he continued walking.

As I entered the room, I was welcomed by a scene wherein a crowd flocked around Yunmi who was crying.

“What happened?” I asked Juni, my seatmate.

“The guy, Jung Yunho, that just left was Yunmi’s boyfriend, or should I say ex. He broke up with Yunmi in front all of us saying that Yunmi’s not the one, and that she can’t satisfy him enough.”

“Such a rude guy, to say that in front of people, he could have talked with her in private.”

“Yeah, I know right? But it doesn’t matter that much for him. He has done it a lot of times before. Enough to build the ‘heartbreaker’ he was known for.”

A lot of times that day, I found myself so lost in thought. How could someone play with someone’s feelings so easily? What if I end up like Yunmi? If I would be the one who was loved and cherished by someone like how Yunmi loved him, I would at least respect her and break up with her in a gentler way.

A sudden vibration in my pocket disturb my thoughts. 




“I’m MAX-to the MAX.” What the hell, He really called.

“Oh.. Oh. Yeah, yeah, I’m Hero.”

"Did I call at the wrong time? I'm sorry, I just need someone to talk to."

"No, it's fine. Is there something that's bothering you?"

"Yeah, but... it was my fault. I feel so guilty at hurting another innocent heart. But what I did would save that person more pain than what she's feeling now. So, could you help me cheer up?"

And so, just like the night before, we talked about a lot of things, never ending conversations about everything and sometimes about nothing at all. 

The next day, I was with Yoochun and Junsu eating in the school's cafeteria, when I heard something that made me snap my head up.

"Yunho hyung, my friend will be coming over any minute now and I would like the two of you to get along. He is Choi Dongwook but we like to call him Se7ev."

"Se7en huh? Cool code name!" Just then a handsome guy walked in and shouted:

"Hey, Max- to the- Max man! How are you?" This guy then hugged Shim Changmin.

MAX-to the- MAX man is Shim Changmin? The school's most intelligent student-- the SHIM Changmin? Both Junsu and Yoochun looked at me with questioning gazes. I shrugged and continued to wonder.

I'm not sure if I would be glad by the fact that my potential boyfriend is the Shim Changmin. I am an ordinary student living a simple life, but Changmin and the group he hangs with are what we know as the popular group, the rich kids, the handsome men.I am nothing compared to them-- him.

But thinking about it harder, Changmin is not a bad guy. He could even be considered as a very respectable guy, not only because he is the school's prodigy but also because of his good attitude. I've seen him around and observed that he was quite the gentleman type. Maybe, it's not a bad idea after all.

Another chilly evening, and I was lying at my bed waiting for my phone to ring, thinking that it would only be fair that I'll reveal who I am since I already know who he is. After about an hour or two, I don't know how long since I kinda dozed off, my phone rang.

"..Hello?" I answered still sleepy.

"Hey, sleepy head, did I disturb your sleep?"

"Hm, a little. How was your day?"

"A little lousy but tiring still. Yours?"

And so, we conversed and I keep waiting patiently for the right timing to come up for me to tell him who I was. 

"Hero, what would you say if I ask if we could meet up? I really feel like you could be a really good friend and something more."

"..." I should agree, shouldn't I? It's time to take this, whatever it is, to the next level. there definitely is a good connection between us. So I agreed, and decided not to tell him until then.

We agreed to meet up four days after, when both our time could allow us. I was feeling extremely nervous and excited more and more each day. Then, finally, the day came all too slowly and quickly. I got ready and head out of my house and off to the meeting place. I told him before that I will be wearing a black scarf and a gray hoody. And for me to identify him, he would be wearing a beanie and leather jacket. (as if I need anything that could make me identify him)

And so I arrived at the meeting place which was a cafe. I saw someone at the far end wearing the clothes we agreed upon, his back is on me so i tapped his shoulder.

"Max?" I called out, and he faced me. Who the? This certainly is not Changmin. This guy is Jung Yunho!

I froze on thought about what I should do now. I have come into terms that my to-be boyfriend is the goody two shoes Shim Changmin. I never anticipated it to be the rude, playboy, arrogant guy Yunho. How could this be? The person I talk to everytime is a gentle, kind, understanding, soothing person. 

"Hero is Kim Jaejoong?!" He asked shocked. Why would he be shocked? I should be the one who feels that way so I blurted out what is on my mind, 

"Jung Yunho?! But I thought MAx is Shim Changmin? And why are you so shocked that it was me? Are you expecting somebody else?"

"Well yeah, I was expecting anybody but you. And yes, Changmin is Max in real but I kinda used his computer that night we first chatted so.. yeah."

"Oh, is that so?... Hm? I should leave then."

"Why? Don't go please. Have a seat."

"Because from what I understood you don't want to see me?"

"No, no, I just said that I wasn't expecting Hero to be you. The truth is, I've liked you since forever and i thought that there could be no chance for me to have you since you haven't glanced my way, not even once. So I had relationships with other people but they just aren't enough, because they are not you. But then Hero came and I found myself thinking that he could be the one to make me forget you. Turns out that I've fallen for the same person twice." then he smiled sheepishly.

I was speechless and still trying to process everything he said. So he likes me, he likes Hero, so he like the two me.He used people to forget about me. But still in the end he can't. So that must mean he really likes me. Will I give him the chance to have me? The power to hurt me if this turned out badly?

"Jae? Please say something. I know this is all unexpected but I can't let go of this chance now. The chance to know you better and maybe to have you."

Then, for the first time I heard another voice in my head saying "Jae just this once, please stop thinking about everything and just follow your heart. You like him as Max don't you? Then you'll like the real person better. Don't think about anything else- the future, the pain-- stop, just stop and let go."

And I did. I smiled and said, " How about we start over again? This time as Kim Jaejoong and Jung Yunho?" I offered him my hand, he shook it and smiled.

"Thank you Jae."

Months then years have passed since that fateful day. Jung Yunho is now officially my lover, my partner my other half. Sure, everything is not all bliss and happiness, there are times where we fought and hurt each other, but kept on reconciling at the end. So I guess, I now know the answer to my question before: if it hurts that much, why would people want to fall in love again and again, risking themselves to experience this kind of pain?

It is, because, every heartache, every pain is worth it. The pain I felt when we almost broke up because of a bad fight, was nothing compared to the joy I felt when he kissed me, when he touched me, when he hugged me, or even when he just looked at me straight to the eyes and told me that he loves me. 

"Jae, I love you."

"I love you too Yunho"

"Jae, we have gone through a lot haven't we? Are you willing to go through so much more with me until our last breath?"

"Yunnie, a-are you proposing?" He nodded, and smiled. Then he knelt and held a box with the most beautiful ring.

"Jae, honey, will you marry me?"

And I know, deep in my heart and mind, that I need not to think any longer, nothing else should be considered or thought thoroughly because I could feel it, with all that I am, that I am deeply, madly and crazily in love with him.

I can't stop my tears from falling because I am just too happy to have found someone I own, my other half, and someone that completed me.

"Yes Yun, I'll marry you. I know that we could be happy forever, because we are together."

Doodle Dreams: Chapter 4

Jaejoong’s pov

I don’t feel quite good right now, but I know I have to sing. I want to sing. I tried to put my worries aside as I approach the stage. The café is quite packed tonight. Business is getting better and better. I sat down and began playing with the piano. Ahh, it feels good. I was instantly relaxed. Piano always had its way on comforting me.

The day did not turn out so well, but maybe tonight would be special. After my introductions, I began to sing. As the song neared its end, I glanced at the audience. Then I….

I saw him. Have fates finally answered my desire? That man. Jung Yunho. My Yunnie! He was there, in the audience and he looks perfect. Just the sight of him after months could do so much to me. I could feel my heart beating so fast, I could feel my breath hitching and I could feel my voice tremble as I looked at him. I miss him so much. I can feel my heart swell from so much love that I can’t express. I kept my feelings for so long now that they are ready to burst out of me.

I kept on singing but my heart was no longer in it. I was busy thinking on what I should do. Should I approach him or not? If yes, what will I say? ‘Hey Yunnie, remember me? I love you for a long time now’ nope, that is not gonna work.

What should I do? Should I let this chance slipped by? The song finally reached its end and I exited the stage. I was so busy calming my heart that I literally loss my mind when Yunho grabbed my arm.

“Excuse me, Hero-shi but I was wondering if you know me? You looked kinda familiar, I just can’t remember exactly who you are.”

I could feel my hand starting to shake so I pulled it out of his hold. I still didn’t know how to react. But being stuck in that familiar moment, where hundreds of guys and girls before said those lines to me, hoping to bring me home, I just blurted out what I always tell them.

“I heard that line a million times, and it’s now sounding so lame. So if you’ll excuse me I have other things to do.” Oh, God. I didn’t mean to act cold. No, never, not to my love. But there I was. I can’t do anything more but to continue my act. I might as well get this over with, and regret later. My heart is beating so hard that I could hear it. I have to go and get some fresh air. And fast!

“You must have misunderstood. I didn’t use that as a pick-up line, I would have said something smarter than that if I was really hitting up on you. I truly meant it. You feel familiar, I just can’t put a finger on why.”
I’m sure he would have said a more witty line if he wants to pick someone up. My yunnie is smart. But when he said that he can’t remember me it stung quite a lot. It pierced my heart. I know that he doesn’t remember me, but to hear him say that fact hurt twice as much. What should I do? It’s so unfair for him to forget all the memories I treasured all this time.

“Then I can assure you, I haven’t met you before. Now please excuse me.” I totally lost it! Why did I just say that? Lies, yunnie please realize that they are nothing but lies. I can’t breathe now, I have to go or I’ll start crying.

Pabo, stupid!! Kim Jaejoong, just when fates suddenly decided to answer your pleas, you just have to go and ruin everything! This is just great, my life really sucks.

Over and over again, I thought of our conversations. Why did I choose to act cold? Why didn’t I just flirt at him when he popped that question? Wae? If I did that then maybe, we could be somewhere talking and hanging out together. By this time I could have his phone number. Maybe he would even take me home. Then he would call me to say goodnight. But no! I just have to shoo the love of my life out of my life. AGAIN!

I should have learned from experience not to leave Yunnie ever again. I left him before and it tore me apart. Now I just have to waste the chance given to me. This is going to be hell. I doubt if I would ever sleep a wink tonight.

I have to eat ramen. Lots of it. It helps cool down my nerves. It became a habit to eat ramen when I am depressed and down. And this is certainly the time for it. I stopped by the convenience store and purchased two bags of ramen.

As I got out of the store, five men cornered me. “Give me your wallet.”

Oh-oh, this is not good! Thing fast Jae, you have to escape quickly. “I don’t have money, if you want, I can give you my cellphone.” Anything but not my wallet, I’ll die before some hands could get my wallet.

“Cellphone it is then. Oh good, this cellphone is from the limited series, this will give us some good bucks. Hahaha” said guy number 1.

“He’s beautiful” Guy number 2, just said the thing that I feared the most. Yes, dummy I am beautiful! It is both a miracle and a curse. It becomes a curse when guys like them notices it. This is definitely not good. I certainly have a vague idea on what they are thinking. I look everywhere and think of an escape plan. If I’m unable to escape this, I’m totally done for, I’m screwed.

I’m now so scared. One guy closes the space between us and lifted his hand to touch my face, but I slapped his hand away. No way am I being touched by filthy hands. I can see the guy forming a fist with his hand, I closed my eyes waiting for the impact. Three seconds passed, and there was none.

Whew, I breathed out, but when I opened my eyes, Yunho is in front of me, holding back the hand that was meant to hit me. Oh no, I prefer more to be hit a thousand times than seeing Yunho hurt. I can’t bear it, specially this time that I know he is doing this for me. I can’t go through the pain again when I thought I was going to lose him forever just like two months ago.

This is not happening. This better be a nightmare. Three of the guys started attacking Yunho. They tried to beat the life out of him but Yunho’s strong. I held my breath for a long time, scared of the outcome. However, three is just too much of a fight to leave unscathed. He was slowly losing his energy, but amazingly he managed to knock them down. I breathe out but there are two more guys to go and Yunho is now feeling weak. Good thing though a security guard helped us. I thank the heavens for coming to our aid.

I helped Yunho to sit on the bench, and then I rushed off to buy a first aid kit at the convenience store. I lifted his chin up to inspect the bruises in his face, and then I start applying medicine in them. He winced every time the medicine touches his wounds.

While doing that, I was thinking on how Yunho came to appear suddenly. Maybe, just maybe, the fates gave me another chance. I have to make it right this time. If I screw this, there might not be third chance to come. Just because he said that he doesn’t remember me doesn’t mean that he won’t right? At least, I have to be thankful that he senses that I am familiar. What more can I ask for? I could make this work. If he doesn’t recognize me, then I’ll make new memories of us together this time. I have to make sure that I would grab my happiness this time. I can, and I would make him love me.

“Don’t I deserve a thanks after saving you?” he suddenly asked. Though I am grateful, the feeling of guilt is much greater. It was me who put him in such state.

“I didn’t ask you to help me. Instead of being grateful to you I feel sorry to have put you in this state.“ I answered truthfully, I figured I should start this whole thing by being truthful. Nothing comes out good when I lie anyways.

“Yah, don’t cry on me now, as you have said you didn’t ask for my help. It was entirely my fault for being such a dumbass, I could have called for help but no, I just have to butt in and get my ass kicked.” Okay.. maybe I showed honesty way too much, he could see that I am almost tearing up by all the things that happened tonight. Good thing he chuckled, I found a reason to laugh. It feels so good to be by his side and to be laughing. Just like old times.

His laugh didn’t change at all even after many years. I miss him so much. It took all of my willpower to control my inner urge to hug him and to mess his hair.

I was mending his bruised arm when he suddenly shifted to face me. I stopped for awhile to look what he is doing. He did nothing. Well, actually, to be precise he stared. He ran his eyes all over my face. I let him looked at me in the hope that he’ll somehow remember. Then his eyes shifted on my lips. I instantly felt uncomfortable. Who wouldn’t? Good thing he was focusing so much on my lips he didn’t notice my face turning red. Then..

Then he licked his lips. Oh God, is he thinking of kissing me? I smirked at myself for that thought. Oh yeah, Jaejoong, keep dreaming! Then I felt happy. Unconsciously I smiled. If he is thinking that maybe.. maybe he’s interested in me. Even just for a little. There is hope. It made me smile wider.

He looked away. Awww, just when I’m enjoying the attention! I felt embarrassed when I realized that I was disappointed.

It’s getting really late so I have to go, even though I don’t want to. I know someone is probably worried sick for me at home. Micky worries about me a lot. I’ll tell more about him later. All I can say is that he is my soulmate, my bestfriend, my brother.

“Okay, I’m done fixing your wounds. Jung-ssi, I better go now.”

Yup, I made my first move.

Just like the game chess, I have to think and strategize my moves in order to checkmate. I have to win this. This is my first move. By letting him realize that I know him, he would think about me. He will be intrigued. This will keep him all night to think about.

Hey! I wasn’t friends with a Cassanova for nothing. Yeah, you guessed it right, Micky is the god of love. He keeps teaching me the ways on how to catch someone’s heart. I never imagined that I’ll put I’ll be able to put it to use.

I’m willing to do anything to win his heart, which is why…. I cheated. I made two moves, without waiting for his turn. Want to know what I did?

I left my cellphone on the paved road near the bench where he is sitting.

This is to create an opportunity to meet him again.

Doodle Dreams: Chapter 3

I must have walked miles, I could feel my feet numbing. So I decided to enter this newly opened café and to get some coffee to help me wake up from the hangover. The café has a very comfortable atmosphere with a nice interior. What is unusual in this shop than most coffee shops is that it has a stage. Just like in clubs where bands perform. But in here, there’s only a piano, a guitar and a mic stand on it.

After a few minutes of waiting, my drink finally arrived. I noticed that there are a lot of customers now standing near the stage and a lot more are approaching.

“Excuse me but what is happening?” I asked the waiter who delivered my drink.

“Well, this is not your usual café. The owners Hero and Micky, are going to perform a couple of songs to the customers, it has been going on since it first opened. You should watch it sir, they are great.” He then went to serve other customers. I now hated the spot I chose because I could not get a clear view on what is going to happen.

A man approached the piano and pulled the mic stand near him and started playing the piano’s keys. “Annyeong everybody! How have you all been? I see some new faces today! Welcome to our café! This is Hero your first performer for tonight and I will be singing Insa. So everybody just sitback and enjoy your drinks and snacks.”

A lot of people got back to their seats (mostly couples) but some stayed near the stage. A lot of girls and guys stayed near the stage. Then he started singing. That got me off my seat; I can never imagine a person with that slim frame to possess such great voice. The words just keep hanging on the air waiting for everybody to understand. He possesses such ability to pierce through the heart.

As I neared the stage, I can fully see Hero, as he call himself. He is a very beautiful man. It’s like putting a woman’s face and frame in a men’s body. He dyed his hair blonde which highlighted more his big eyes and his lustable lips. Did I just say lustable? Well they are.

Yes, I admit, I am captivated, and I’m not the only one. It is quite obvious that Hero also enchanted these girls and guys. But I know that my attraction to him is much deeper than these guys. I just know. He feels familiar. I wondered about his sexuality.

Wow, attracted at first sight huh? I guess Junsu is right, love is just around the corner. Not that its love I’m feeling! It’s just.. aishh nevermind!

I continued staring at his face, wondering if I saw him elsewhere. I also tried to racking my brains if Hero rings a bell. But so far I remembered nothing. As the song nears the end, he looks over the audience and then, I felt his eyes locked on mine much longer than the others. I can see him looked shocked then confused before masking his face and looking away.

“That’s it for tonight, I hope everybody enjoys the song. Micky will be coming up next on the stage. Please welcome him!” he flashed a smile before exiting. I quickly went to where he exited and grabbed his arm.

“Excuse me, Hero-shi but I was wondering if you know me? You looked kinda familiar, I just can’t remember exactly who you are.”

He got away from my hold and stared at me coldly, “I heard that line a million times, and it’s now sounding so lame. So if you’ll excuse me I have other things to do.”

Huh, he must have thought I was like other guys picking him up.

“You must have misunderstood. I didn’t use that as a pick-up line, I would have said something smarter than that if I was really hitting up on you. I truly meant it. You feel familiar, I just can’t put a finger on why.”

“Then I can assure you, I haven’t met you before. Now please excuse me.” Then he walked away from me. I wouldn’t back off so fast so I decided to follow him.

He went out the café and started walking. God, I feel like a freaking stalker. I wanted myself to stop but my heart wants me to follow him. After minutes of walking he entered a convenience store, I stayed outside because I might get caught of following him. When he got outside, he held two plastic bags full of food. To be exact ramen. No wonder he has such a tiny waist. Wait, how the hell did I know that? I must have been checking him out. Now I sound like a pervert.

Speaking of perverts, now that I have snapped back to Earth, I saw some men ganging up on him. At first they were just asking for money, but now I can sense that the old man was harassing Hero.

Of course the stupid me just rushed to butt in and asked them to leave, and also the dumb me didn’t manage to count that there are five bad guys, and that is certainly not good. But I did put up a fairly good fight, I knocked 3 of them down but I was really on the losing end. There are two more guys, one is a really bulky man while the other is sporting a knife. I was scared for my life, but of course I acted tough. Good thing before they beat the life out of me a security guard approached us and helped.

Hero helped me stand up and sat me on a bench. He then rushed back to the convenience store, when he came back, he was holding a first aid kit. He pushed my chin up to face him and started mending my wounds. After a while, I just couldn’t stand the silence any longer.

“Don’t I deserve a thanks after saving you?” I asked jokingly. He stayed quite for a while then he spoke.

“I didn’t ask you to help me. Instead of being grateful to you I feel sorry to have put you in this state.“ After saying that the emotionless mask he was wearing crumbled into a frown and he looks like he was about to cry.

“Yah, don’t cry on me now, as you have said you didn’t ask for my help. It was entirely my fault for being such a dumbass, I could have called for help but no, I just have to butt in and get my ass kicked.” I chuckled and after a while he laughed along with me.

I know I should have felt angry or a least a little hurt for him not thanking me but I can’t find it in myself to do so. I just want to make him smile and be happy.  He looks like an angel. MY angel. What? What am I thinking?

This should stop, whatever this is! It’s… it’s not right. At least that is what I am shouting inside my head, but my body would just not listen. I can feel my body shifting to face Hero, I can feel my eyes darting to his face, I can feel them observe his beautiful features.

My eyes can’t get tired looking at this ethereal beauty. It’s like I could live and die, both at the same time with just staring. My eyes, looked at the pale, flawless white, almost transparent skin, his little cute nose, his dark orbs observing mine. Then I shifted my gaze to his lips. Those sinful lips, oh god. I found myself thinking how they would feel against mine, unintentionally, I licked my lips. Then, they moved.

Hero’s lips moved and formed a smirk. Then he smiled the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen. Embarrassed, I turned away.

Pabo.. Pabo! I am a pabo! I can feel a blush seeping through my face as realization dawned at me that I just licked my lips while looking at his lips while hi was watching me! I can’t get any stupider!! Now, he would think I am a pervert. Great, just great Jung Yunho, that is the way to set first impressions!

“Okay, I’m done fixing your wounds. Jung-ssi” he said as he let go of my bruised arm. “I better go now.” Then, he practically ran away from me.

That went well. I literally blew off the chance to ever get to know him… Or not! Hah! He forgot his cellphone. Asa! There’s still a chance to redeem myself.

After I got home and showered, I lay awake in my bed thinking back at this eventful day. There is something bothering me. I just can’t pinpoint what. I went through again and again on what possibly be the reason for me to be troubled so deeply. Then it hit me.

He knows who I am. He called me Jung. How could he know me? He said at first he doesn’t know me. What? 

Doodle Dreams: Chapter 2

SATURDAY-- the most boring day of the week, well together with Sunday. Honestly I don't get why people hope for weekends to come. I prefer weekdays where I could hang outside the house, see some people and keep myself busy. Weekends are just.. unpredictable. Huh, you might think my life is boring huh? Well, actually, I am a very sociable person, I have a lot of friends I just prefer spending time at home.

Alright! Those are lame excuses. But I really hate weekends! They are insulting! Everytime these days come, it's like a slap in the face or a wake up call saying, "Jung Yunho! You are forever a loner. You will rot inside the house alone! Your friends have found someone to love but you are still hopeless!"

It's not even intentional that I have no one. Trust me, I dated quite a lot of times, but nobody really satisfies me. Nobody can feel the emptiness i feel. To think back, I never really liked how most of my past relationships started. I never want to have them in the first place. My friends just have to push me to the edge for me to agree going out with somebody.

I have all the means to get someone I want. With just a smile, girls and guys come swooping at me, ready to serve me and to be used. But the thing is I don't have someone I want!  And I don't like that. Maybe I'm a masochist or something but I'm just so tired at people thinking I can have my way with them that, I am superior. i just want someone who treats me as an equal or someone to order me around for a change. 

These past uhh... flings (I refused to call them relationships!) I never felt loved, i felt used. I can see it in their eyes, they are using me to climb the popularity ladder, I can sense lust (not that I'm giving them any :)), I'm told nothing but lies. But whatever, it's not that I'm bitter, I've gotten used to it. I just think that I deserve far better than what they can offer. I deserve to be loved, to be cared for, to be treated rightly, i deserve someone who takes me for who I am and not for what I can offer. 

I want to feel a true and pure love. I want to love someone with every ounce of my body. I want to experience it, to know how much love I can give, how much I can sacrifice. I want to feel the joy and the pain of loving someone. I think that the pain I would receive from such love is much much better than other pains. Huh, I must be insane, but I really want to feel that kind of pain because it just proves that.. my love is real. 

"Stop thinking Jung Yunho, it won't get you anywhere!" I pushed myself off the bed to stop all my silly thoughts. After a shower and and a brunch, I grab a book and went out the verenda enjoying fresh air and... uh.. alone time. I must have dozed off, because I was awakened by a loud ringing and heavy vibration of my cellphone.


"Yun-ah! Have you forgotten Jonghyun's birthday celebration today?" my best buddy Junsu was on the other line.

"Oh, right. I totally forgot! But do I really have to go?"

"Get up and get ready I'll be there in a few minutes!" he hunged up before I even had the chance to decline. Dragging my feet to my bedroom, I got ready for the party. I might as well enjoy it, no use sulking my way out of it.

As I got on Junsu's car, I was reminded of my dilemma of being single. 

"Su-ah, am I not a good person, do I stink? I don't do I?"

"Yah, what are you talking about? What's with this nonsense?"

".. I just feel so alone. I wish I could find someone to love real fast" Junsu must sense that I was really serious because he pulled over and stopped the car.

"Jung Yunho, you wouldn't be my friend if I think that you are not a good person. Maybe it just isn't time just wait. Someday you will find it, you will experience a love story especially written for you by the Fates. Trust me. Just be patient. You wouldn't know if that is just right around the corner. You wouldn't want to be seen by your other half sulking now would you? " he said, chuckling.

"I guess not" I said, laughing along with him. "Su-ah, another thing?" He nodded, as a cue for me to continue. "What do you think about my sexuality?.. you t..think i'm" i suddenly asked him.

"Why? What made you think that?"

"Well it's because I don't really find women attractive. But what makes me confuse is that men don't really get my attention either.. well save from the man in my dreams."

"Hm, well I can't really say. Before, I know that I'm gay because the people I developed feelings for are men.. so I don't really know what to say in your case. But, as I've said have patience, soon you will know"

"Gumawo su-ah, it's really great I can talk with someone about these matters."

"It's nothing, and anyway you were also like this to me before. Anyway, we are near the restobar where Jonghyun's holding his party, so lighten up and don't think too much of these things."

We made our way inside the restobar. It was actually a nice pary! There were a lot of guests and I was familiar with most of them (well when you're rich you tend to hang out with the rich kids themselves.) We shared a few drinks.

"Hey Jung! Long time no see bro! How are you doing?"

Yeah right as if you actually care, but of course instead of saying that, I flashed a smile saying "Oh, it's you Taemin. You know, I can't really hang out with every one of you guys, been very busy doing worthwhile things, but surely we would see each other when I have the time to go to bars and clubs where you surely are every night" saying that I smirked at his pissed face. I turned my back at him and went to my other friends. I really don't like the guy, it's just a mutual thing between the two of us. 

Doodle Dreams: Chapter 1

"Yunho oppa, can you please help me? I'm having troubles understanding history. The professor is quite boring, and i figured i would understand it better if you are the one who's teaching?

Huh, yeah right! As if you can concentrate. I mean, not being arrrogant but it really isn't obvious that she like me.

"Ah, but you see, i have a lot more to do and I'm not really good at explaining things, but try reading the book. It's easy to understand. Mianhe."I answered nicely, despite the fact that I'm really annoyed.

I hate stupid girls! If only they weren't so bad with their studies I would have tried to overlooked the fact that they were stupid in life as well. But no! They know nothing but to flirt and shop, going to bars and clubs, slowly destroying their lives.

Not to mention that this certain stupid girl is so easy to read. Gawd, history is the easiest subject I have this semester, even a dumb girl like her can pass it without even reading a page. I'm so irritated with the fact that her flirting with me is so dense. I feel insulted to think that she could have me with her cakey, thick foundation, 4 inched heels, a super short skirt and a very revealing top! I am much better without these girls.

Oh, you might think that I'm a girl-hater eh? Nope I'm not. I just have high standards, I mean, I'm intelligent, I'm handsome, I'm rich, I'm pretty perfect in many ways a human being can come close to. Don't i deserve someone that is close to what I am? 

Anyways, this day is so tiring I just want to go home, have a shower and rest. As i drove to the familiar road I always see, I can't help but get lost in my own wolrd of thoughts. Lately, I find myself to be awfully stupid. I can't stop thinking of the man that appears in my dreams every single damn night since two months ago. I feel like I'm losing a hold of myself. 

Okay, since I kinda lost you there, I'll tell you the most confusing story. And I don't expect you to understand. I myself do not understand a thing. 

So, two months before, I was invloved in an accident. I was not feeling so well that day but I have no choice but to go to school and take a very important exam. I finished the exam as fast as i can because I could feel that I couldn't hold on much longer. I tried to go home without blacking out but as I cross the road I just felt numb and I saw a car fast approaching. Good thing the car slowed down but before it stopped Iwas already hit. I was brought to the hospital, not by the driver but by a stranger passing by. I think the driver got real scared and just left me there until this man kindly helped me.

When I woke up, i was alone. I tried remembering the face of the man but I couldn't. I guess my head was hit pretty hard. But I do remember  that, that man has an angelic voice saying "Yunho-ssi, wake up!" I also have the feeling that I was kissed. You know, the tingly feeling in the lips. It confuses me so much because I was quite sure I don't know who that man is.. but he knows me. And I believe that he knows me well.

After that incident, I keep dreaming of the faceless man, telling me to wake up and that he loves me. And what is really confusing is that I believe without a doubt  that he truly loves me, that he's willing to do everything for me. That kinda frightens me, I don't know that, if ever, we will meet I would do nothing but to hurt him. 

I feel so pathetic, I mean, is it even possible to fall in love with a dream? Not that I've fallen for him.. Alright maybe a little.. Okay a lot more than a little. But that is why I feel pathetic! Even if he does exist, will he be the same one as what I'm dreaming? And what's more is that I'm a guy for heaven's sake, a straight guy (or so what i keep thinking). I was never attracted to guys before, so what does that make me?